Maria Bourke: 'The truth about love and how to make it happen'

Many of us feel unloved because those we care about don’t speak our love language, writes Maria Bourke

How do you feel about St Valentine’s Day? What may appear as a joyous time for those newly in love or in happy relationships is a difficult time for many.

I say time, and not day, as the marketing is in our faces for many weeks in the lead up to February 14. Even for those who are happily coupled, there can be unmet expectations and inner anguish about making the ‘right’ romantic gesture. You may be still feeling the after-shock or disappointment from Valentines gone by.

Whether you are in a happy relationship or happily single or even somewhere on the less-than-happy continuum of either, it’s important to remember that what is happening in your outer world is a reflection of what is happening inside you.

The degree to which you feel loved on any day of the year is a reflection of how lovable you feel you are - and how worthy of love you feel.

It’s an application of the Hermes Trismegistus adage that applies to all areas of our lives:

“As above, so below, as within, so without.”

Love, and the amount of it you experience in all your relationships, is an inside job. The wonderful thing about this is you can start to work on it. As you master self-love, you will soon see the evidence of your progress. As without, so within.

In my experience, when you start to look at love and every other area of your life from this angle, you feel empowered. You do not have to wait around for someone else to find you and love you. You can take action to change your circumstances right now. Here’s what I suggest.

1) You may already be loved more than you realise.

Some years back I learned that there are five ways that we show love, or five ‘love languages’:

• Words of affirmation

• Acts of service

• Gift giving

• Quality time

• Physical touch

The friend who shared this information with me explained that we each have a dominant ‘love language’ which may not be the same as our partner, parents, children, friends or siblings.

As we each show love to others automatically using our primary love language, when two people have the same language they are more likely to feel loved. Many of us feel unloved because those we care about don’t speak our love language. This is an example of where the rule ‘do unto others what you would have them do unto you’ does not work. Consciously choosing to apply the platinum rule - ‘do unto others as they wish you do unto them’ - has the potential to completely transform all your relationships.

My primary love language is quality time. For my daughter, whose primary love language is gift giving, no matter how much time I spend with her she does not feel truly loved. Likewise, I feel unloved when she does not have time to spend with me, even though she buys me very thoughtful gifts. Understanding both my love language and the language of those I love has allowed me to recognise that my daughter does love me and that I need to make a conscious effort to buy her thoughtful gifts if I want her to feel loved.

I highly recommend you check out the online quiz www.5lovelanguages.com and discover your love language and that of your partner. If you are a parent, find out your children’s love language too and learn to love them in that way. In fact, this is good information to have for all relationships.

2) What changes can you make to love you more?

Write out a list of how you would like to be treated in your significant relationships and start doing these things for yourself. You are sending out a new vibe about how you want to be treated, what you deserve, and your expectations. In many relationships your change of attitude will be enough to elicit improved behaviour from others. When working with clients, the way I explain this phenomenon as:

It’s only the dogs you’re afraid of that bark at you.

i.e. most people are reacting to the vibe you give out.

For those who continue to treat you inappropriately, a chat about your new expectations may be in order. Ultimately, if they do not shape up you may have to ship them out. But that’s a long way down the road. For now, get out a pen and paper and do some journaling. It will help you to get clarity.

3) If you are still feeling unloved or unlovable, it may be time to consider getting professional support

to dig deeper to heal old traumas and beliefs. This is a journey many people are undertaking. While there is much we can do for ourselves, there may come a time when we need the support and tools only an expert can provide.

My starting point in 2003 was a book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay. I also went for counselling and subsequently signed up for a life coaching course for my own personal development, never dreaming it would become an important aspect of my new career.

It has taken me many years, courses, books and much soul searching to learn to love and accept myself.

I hope my insights and experience help you reframe your love situation. You absolutely deserve to be loved and you will be once you truly believe it and start loving yourself.

Remember the eternal truth and wisdom from Oscar Wilde’s An Ideal Husband:

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”

Maria Bourke is a life coach, personal empowerment facilitator and author.

If you want support to achieve your goals and dreams check out 321 Focus - the 30 day online challenge.